Taste · of · Divine · Melacholy

why i am ready to start dating ;
                                                                                       
1. i don't care about making my ex jealous anymore                                      
2. i don't feel the need to share info about past relationships
3. i have a job                                                                                   
4. i am sober
5. i am not depressed
6. i like to have fun
7. i like to meet new people
8. my mom sold her house
9. i am a great friend 
10. i need something to do with my time
11.i am not getting any younger
12. who will feed me and take me out if not a guy
13. i like watching football and basketball games
        (well only teams i like)
    

damm good movie on so how about my not a good reason list will be put off til tomorrow..

Must say  i am rather enjoying the book i just started by frank waters.. called the book of the hopi. Well it is not by frank waters it is the legends of their tribe told to him by the hopi elders. it is fascinating. I caught myself giggling a few times when something that is supposedly so ancient jumps out and bites you on the funny bone. it is being absorbed into my belief system and i don't have a problem with that. what had me smiling was two different times when the world was being destroyed the righteous humans or the ones that still were at peace with the creator were hid (while the world was destroyed by fire) by the ant people and waited out the earth's destruction inside an ant kiva or mound. It was said that it took along time for the world to cool and that food became scarce and so the ant people tied their belts tighter and tighter so that their guests could stay fed and because of this that is why ants are so small around the waist....heheheh

so my day was leaning a little towards the unproductive side ..okay it was getting ready to tumble over and crash too pieces. but then when i wasn't looking the sunshine must have grabbed ahold of a piece of stray luck that was just hanging around in the open sky. who knows? i checked my email and realized my listing on craigslist had sold (well my dad's stuffed duck) was gonna fly out of the garage into the welcome arms of some guy who was going to appreciate it...that tends to make me happy. And after we had agreed to meet in pullman at the local wal-mart things just slipped in place. I know my mom was hungry when i told her i was gonna hit the bathroom cause i was soo bored waiting for this buyer...and i had five bucks in my back pocket and like a good daughter i skipped the john and walked up to the deli and ordered my mom's favorite snack...hard salami and colby cheese slices. The line i was waiting in was time consuming and so when i walked back out to the parking lot i knew there was a chance that she would be grumpy if he was much later so i felt like i was possibly doing us both a favor. I went out to the parking lot and she wasn't there ...i walked to where we had parked and sighed like a grouchy bitch before i rolled my eyes and stomped back inside of wal-mart i did the walk through two more times and finally found where she had parked funny thing is i had walked right by it heheh. But i was not laughing because just because i had found it did not mean that it was unlocked . i went inside one last time and sat inside on a bench by the door ..i was trying to control my mood swing and you know being that it was halloween was enlightening . i decided that i had the best seat in the house and had just come to terms with the wait ..i was just starting to relax and enjoy myself about the time my mommydearest walked up..hehe she handed me a five dollar bill for whatever i might need if for and i smiled and followed her out. As soon as we were in her suv i showed her the deli treats and she and i consumed every bit of it entirely and headed back to town. Once we got to winnco she handed me $11 and told me to go to customer service and get a money order. There were very interesting adult themed outfits around every corner and i must say i felt myself blush a couple of times. anyway i had a dollar left over from my original $5  so while waiting once again in line i stuck it into this machine that spits out scratch tickets.  I was sitting in the truck again waiting and i started scratching and then i started scratching my head in wonder before the smile broke across my face. I went back inside and actually met my mom as she was leaving and together we both went and stood in line i handed the clerk my ticket and she handed me back $36 dollars and then we headed to the library to drop off books and the book i had requested was there waiting for me ..patricia briggs novel about mercy mercy mercy i don't want to end the day but there is the rationalization that if i go to bed now that i can end the day on a good note ...

after partaking in the flaming porterhouse steak at the casino with my mom and aunt betty i felt slow and sluggish ..drugged ready for sleep. But with all the lights and noises of the slot machines i had to settle for being awake and losing all my spending stash instead. i gave up early in the late evening and would go up to our room  and think of an excuse to strut through the hotel lobby to the farthest drink station in sight....who knows with all those high rollers i might be lucky enough to entice a future ex-husband. 
 i slept well although after my mom had left for her slot tournament and betty to win enough to purchase another horse from the gift shop i suddenly found myself in my bathing suit and moving through the water like the wind through the sky..i don't know what it is but there is such peace and a stillness that i am not a part of when i am on my two feet.  i cannot explain how easy it is to be one with the water .after the chlorine ran me off and i had showered i think i fell into a light sleep as i sat on the couch in the warm arms of the sunshine that relaxed me into a really weird dream ....maybe i have  been reading too many particia briggs novels ..anyway there is a polar bear or no it was more like a yearly polar dip into icy water that i was lured into, by some gorgeous native warrior. cause only that would lead me to the waterhole. anyway i know better than to test the frigid cold with my toe or to take off my t-shirt cause of the damage it was going to do to my nipples. damn i would poke someones eye out if i wasn't careful. I remember doing a class in college it was either winter hiking or advanced out door surivival and i being the only female thought for sure with my charm and beauty that i could lead any big bad wolf into the water. We were doing a sweat lodge somewhere on the snake river and it was snowing outside and soo frigging cold that we were all really having a hard time doing what our instructor wanted us do to. none of us tried to move when he started to act like it was time to leave the warmth and quiet serenity inside this teepee thing. I had beads of sweat in my hair and one or two would slowly bead up and start to run down my back and tickle the shit out of me that i think my instructor was thinking that i was feeling uncomfortable with all the guys and being all mormons it was time to go.  i felt the river call to me and for some reason i screeched as soon as i felt the draft of outside burn nuclear atomic cold fusion across my skin my teeth started chattering so bad i had no other choice but to do what i did and i was the only one and despite the fact there was a beaver dam close to the bank i tore out the opening and ran as fast as i could in bare feet with my sweat fast frozen into a thin layer of ice that made me invincible . i pushed off the bank and jumped into the river cause that is the only way to do it right? it took my nipples 3 days to get back to normal . they were fully erect and burning cold for three days. nobody looked at my face you know what i mean. .
 there are all these natives mostly men but i am not there trying to be hot or sexy i am there because she is a part of it. i know enough that i will not be expected to participate in any rituals or that any of my actions will disrespect her in anyway. People are having fun and bravely entering the freeze. She is in hibernation and the amniotic fluid of her womb is heavy and sluggish. I do a silent, quiet- not any splash.. dive move that brings me into her arms. i love my lady of the lake. i am not cold nor am i drawing any attention to myself. I am floating on my back spinning slowly in a circle. i wonder if she is using my body to cast a circle ? Not evil it is not about that. It is time to leave my sacred place i can tell by the silence of the one who is waiting for me with a towel. i don't want to leave but i cannot explain my fear that maybe i am crazy to another human being. do i just make up things with my imagination because i want to believe i am part of something? We are driving in his pickup truck to have hot chocolate before he drives me home. I feel uneasy as we drive up this long dirt road to a well lit trailer with 5 or 6 vehicles out front. i can hear car doors opening and closing and unfamiliar voices laughing and i feel uneasy soo uneasy.. no one knows me and though i am self confident most of the time it must have flew out the window when i rolled it down to throw out my cigarette( weird thing is i don't smoke). we walk up four steps and i step into the foyer of this double wide trailer and it seems like oh i don't know that maybe i was at the home of my native warrior stud's girlfriend or something like that. he tries to pull me in the kitchen where the majority of the people are hanging out.  not my people. I stay where i am and he tells me wait here ...this is grandma ...."grandma this is my special friend " and i turn and look at this old old old indian woman with deep creases of age wrinkling her face. she smiles up at me and she is missing her two front teeth but i see something in her eyes that terrifies me ....she is familiar i know her achingly familiar but i cannot place it i grab lightly both of her hands and slowly sink down and sit on the bare floor in front of her. i don't know what or where my friend heads to maybe the kitchen or bathroom. i don't care i am calm and serene in her presence . i don't need to ask her any questions our souls are bonded and quiet. she starts to try to talk and laugh and becomes visibly excited happy happy joy joy excited but she is soo ancient that no one understands her or what she is trying to convey. i become aware of nothing but her rough calloused hands holding onto mine and her eyes lit up in joy ..hell it warmed up my soul and i wasn't cold at all i was suffused in this glow of loving bright light. she blocked out everything i was so focused on trying to hear her words...sheeeeeeeeee   na  ..sheena  cheena is all i could make out of some ancient forgotten tongue (probably means devil girl) . i had stopped breathing as i leaned into her face what ...? she spoke the same thing over and over with a single breath and i felt myself inhale the words and as soon as i exhaled i felt us both cross over some invisible bridge or something i could not catch my breath but i was not struggling or trying to get up i felt her sink on top of me and we both knew something that i can not remember or begin to describe but i thought to her run on ahead i have got your back .. and as long as i lay there motionless as long as i did not inhale that she had a chance to reach the place we were facing or headed toward . i became aware of the chaos and panic of voices and many bodies over us and felt many hands move us apart. as soon as our hands lost contact i took a deep breath and remained in this fucking piece of hell. i heard emotions raw and deep as loved ones despaired over the loss of a family member and i felt myself roughly pushed to my feet and hands pulling my hair like i was responsible for the death of  this lady who was close to 90 and that  i had killed her with my bare hands. i tried to make it to the front door as everyone tried to deal with the loss. i was too weak and sank back to the floor and as i was assualted even more i lay there and took it without a thought of what was happening because it was more important that she not be drawn back by my silent emotional anguish or she would be earth bound. and there is no mmore

sometimes i change so fast i can't catch myself in time to slow it down. I am fine one moment and the next i am a part of immortal pain..Intense longing for what we had when we weren't fighting and bickering insane. today it was the sunshine that caused my fall. i know it sounds weird and all but if i was at home in spokane right now on this very day...i would be on the back of his panhead with the wind in my hair. I would always be begging for rides whenever winter was near.  It feels like something is moving around inside my body trying to get out and flee i look in the mirror and all i see is me..